If a family has no purpose, it is dead. Where to start creating a family constitution?
All living things in this world come together for only one reason - a common goal, whether it be a swarm of wolfs, a team of soccer players, or a music group. They have a common task. When the athletes win the match, after that the team members going home, the community disappears. A new game is a new goal. And why is a family being created? If she does not have a unifying idea, such a cell of society is doomed to destruction.
At the beginning of a relationship, sex or everyday survival can unite, but when there is an understanding that achieving the pursued goal is not possible in the family, the further existence of the family, as a social unit, loses all meaning. Is that why the institution of marriage is now dying out? Young people can't understand why to lock ourselves into bound.
The birth and education of children can be a goal for women, but for men, by their psychology, this is a rather rare motivating factor. Children grow up and leave the family, and sometimes the goal of the family purpose disappears. The meaning of further coexistence is lost. According to statistics, for a period of 18 to 20 years of marriage, many marriages fall out. Do you know the so-called "don't get divorced just for the sake of children" model?
If the goal within the family is to help each other and increase well-being and comfort level, this is egoism - a sufficiently flawed model, where there is no development. Selfishness can be like a painful sensitivity, a sense of hopelessness, loneliness, boredom, meaninglessness, from which initially dissatisfaction arises, and then claims to others. All this inevitably leads to quarrels, scandals, infidelity, alcoholism.
So how do you define your family goals? Psychologist Abraham Maslow compiled a hierarchy of human needs, the so-called "Maslow's pyramid." Each of us has needs at four levels: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. If at its lower steps a person strives for survival and safety, then the peak of human life is the realization of the creative potential of a person, the release of talents, abilities, hidden powers of the human soul.
To help each other fill needs, you need to know and understand them. And there is a problem: people often do not understand their desires, much less knowing the opposite sex needs. The needs of men and women vary greatly. That is why the mutual study of each other's psychology is essential for building a healthy family.
More about needs. On the physical level: to live in a safe place, get proper nutrition, have enough rest, enjoy sex, etc. On the emotional level, to love, be loved, freely express emotions, etc. A man and a woman come together to help each other fill these needs.
Without emotional closeness, a person experiences frustration: his nervous tissue is rapidly degrading, consciousness narrows, and the psyche is slowly dying. Therefore, they say: "I am dying of loneliness." That is not an exaggeration; it is a fact that prisoners in solitary confinement go crazy and die like individuals. "But there are a lot of people nearby!" The sceptic will object. And didn't you feel loneliness in a crowded metropolis? Or in the circle of relatives who do not understand you? Having people does not mean emotional closeness.
To prevent dying of loneliness, even surrounded by millions of people, is one of the family's goals. The family should take care of each other's needs by giving and accepting infinite love, sharing emotions, and supporting in difficulties and doubts.
Another essential need is to discover one's destiny when a person lives in a state of bright, creative flow, and it doesn't matter in which area. Someone reveals himself as a wonderful caring mother, someone as an artist, someone as an executive and responsible worker, who loves and knows how to do his job. Agree, even a janitor with his goal to clean and order, to improve the territory with his soul, can live a full and happy life.
That's how each person should strive to reach the top of human life - to find his destiny, realize his hidden opportunities, and become a person who is attractive, bright, and radiant. And where, if not in the family, two loving people can support each other in this natural pursuit of excellence? Where can one get help and understanding from these emotional impulses if not in the family?
If a person does not understand that a person's destiny is a constant movement towards perfection, his soul will begin to stagnate, become waterlogged, and start to sour. He is in depression and rolls down to a vegetative existence on the couch for meaningless TV shows, flipping through informational rubbish in social networks. There comes devastation, alcoholism, an empty pastime. Personality is dying. The shell still lives eating, sleeping, but his character has died.
And the family is a union of individuals, souls, not bodies with different interests, desires, worldview.
It is so crucial for partners to find out their needs and look for common goals.
For this:
- Discuss the goals of the relationship at each of the four levels of the Maslow Pyramid: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.
- Write them down.
- Discuss from time to time to see if all needs in a place and if there is any imbalance.
And remember, the closer the relationship, the more open, trusting, and emotional, the higher the likelihood of conflict. If you can communicate correctly during an acute situation, if you know how to solve it, then the struggle will make you closer to each other than before. You probably noticed that after complete and real reconciliation, you feel more intimacy than before. Do not try to avoid pain. Learn how to reduce it by studying each other, striving to understand your partner's needs, and turning it to your advantage.
